Cell Block Tango
Cell Block Tango is a song sung by the New Directions Girls and The Troubletones (without Rachel). It is featured in Mash Time. The original song is from the musical Chicago. It would be the equivalent of America, which was sung in the Glee episode "The First Time" one of two episodes this spoof was based on. The lyrics have been changed to suit the characters, and they tell the stories of real life situations. Lyrics Sugar: Pop Quinn: Six Mercedes: Squish Brittany: Uh uh Santana: Cicero Tina: Lipschitz! (x6) Artie (Spoken): And now the six merry murderesses of the McKinley High Jail in their rendition of "The Cell Block Tango" All: He had it coming He had it coming He only had himself to blame If you'd have been there If you'd have seen it Santana: I betcha you would have done the same! Sugar: Pop Quinn: Six Mercedes: Squish Brittany: Uh uh Santana: Cicero Tina: Lipschitz! (x2) Sugar (Spoken): ''' You know, I'm kind of a celebrity known for my voice. I'm like, amazing. They call me the Queen of Songs. No, not songs. POP. So, I tried out for the New Directions and I am super confident, And I know I'm gonna nail the audition. And there's Mr. Schue, wearin' a vest, tearin' me down and grinning'. No, not grinnin'. Laughin'! So, I said to him, I said, "You better let me in to this glee club..." And he didn't. So I did what I always do best, And I simply let loose some of my... self-diagnosed Asperger's. '''All: He had it coming He had it coming He only had himself to blame If you'd have been there If you'd have heard it I betcha you would have done the same! Quinn (Spoken): I met Noah Puckerman at McKinley High about two years ago and he told me he was a nice guy. He gave me many wine coolers. Next I know I'm pregnant. He'd be with me, I'd lie to Finn, it was all a part of my amazing scheme. And then I found out, "Sexting" he told me? Sexting, my ass. Not only was he with me... oh, no, he had six girls. Never trust a boy with a Mohawk. So two years later, after our trip to New York, I looked him straight in the eyes with hate. Found out he couldn't handle big plans. All: He had it coming (Pop, six squish, uh uh, Cicero, Lipschitz) He had it coming He took a flower in its prime (Pop, six squish, uh uh, Cicero, Lipschitz) And then he used it (Pop) And he abused it (Six) It was a murder (Squish, uh huh) But not a crime! (Cicero, Lipschitz) Mercedes (Spoken): Now, I'm standing in the kitchen, Cookin' up some tots for dinner, Minding my own business, In storms my boyfriend Shane in a jealous rage. "You love those tots more," He says. He was crazy and he kept on screamin', "those things don't even taste good!" My last words to him. "No one messes with my tater tots." All: If you'd have been there If you'd have seen it I betcha you would have done the same! Brittany: Unicorn, Uni-corn Unicorn unicorn unicorn. Uni...corn. Unicorn? Unicorn. Uni? Unicorn. Artie, unicorn eh. Unicorn unicorn. Unicorn. Uni, unicorn. Corn-uni. Unicorn unicorn Rachel (Spoken): Brittany, that's not the lines you're supposed to sa-- Brittany: UH UH, uni-corn! Santana (Spoken): There's a place I go called Breadsticks. A new waiter, Charlie, started working there. Now, for the last couple of years, I'd order 20 buckets of stix in a row One, two, three, four, five... it's on the menu, Lopez special. So this one night as I walked past Breadsticks on the street called Cicero, I was textin', pushin' around a few nerds, a typical night. Then I became hungry. I made a turn, open the door, and there's the new waiter, Charlie Giving some random customer the Lopez Special. See, that special's only for me, Everyone knows this. I've told him several times. So I lost it, I went Lima Heights Adjacent on the entire Breadsticks staff. Santana: They had it coming Girls: They had it coming Santana: They had it coming Girls: They had it coming Santana: They had it coming all along Girls: They had it coming all along Santana: I didn't do it Girls: She didn't do it Santana: But if I done it Girls: But if she'd done it Santana: How could you tell me that I was wrong? Santana: They had it coming Girls: They had it coming Santana: They had it coming Girls: They had it coming Santana: They had it coming all along Girls: They took a flower in its prime Santana: I didn't do it Girls: And then they used it Santana: But if I'd done it, How could you tell me that I was wrong? Tina (Spoken): I loved Mike Chang more than I can possibly say. He was a real amazing dancer... Sensitive... an Asian. But then I noticed he'd got more screen time. Sure I got more lines and felt appreciated but he got parents, a storyline, development and depth. We know more about him than we do me. The only way I could shine Was if he were dead. All: The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum All: They had it coming (They had it coming) They had it coming (They had it coming) They had it coming all along (They had it coming all along) 'Cause if they used us ('cause then they used us) And they abused us (And they abused us) How could you tell us that we were wrong He had it coming (He had it coming) He had it coming (He had it coming) He only had himself to blame (He only had himself to blame) If you'd have been there (If you'd have been there) If you'd have seen it (If you'd have seen it) I betcha you would have done the same! Sugar: You better let me in to this glee club... Quinn: Sexting, my ass. Mercedes: Nobody messes with my tater tots Brittany: Artie, unicorn Santana: The Lopez Special Tina: A storyline Sugar: Pop Quinn: Six Mercedes: Squish Brittany: Uh uh Santana: Cicero Tina: Lipschitz! Trivia *This is so far the longest song featured in the spoofs. *Originally SimGM was going to do the regular lyrics. The Boss' siblings, however, pushed for her to write original lyrics. It took The Boss about an hour to come up with all of the characters’ stories. *The lyrics were changed to match the girls' personalities, whereas Brittany just says "unicorn" over and over. (Lyrics were originally written for Brittany's part, but the Boss' brother thought it would be funnier just to say "unicorn".) *This is the first song to include Sugar, and also the first that Brianna Johns is featured in. *Coincidentially, Cell Block Tango was later featured on an episode of Glee (Choke), making it the second song to be done first in SIMGM prodructions (the first being Perfect). *The Boss' Sister had trouble saying “an Asian”. 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